The voyage had taken much longer than he had originally anticipated, what with sailing through typhoons, warring with pirates, fighting gigantic sea serpents, and all the rest of life's minor irritations cropping up. Now, Popeye was worried. Down in the hold of the ship, away from the others, he turned to the Jeep.

"Eugene," he asked in fear and trepidation, "is we gonna make it to port by Chriskmas Day?"

The Jeep just stared at him and didn't move, meaning that the answer to Popeye's question was, "No."

"Oh, my garsh," the Sailor Man moaned. "How am I gonna break the news to Olive without her getting all upset and tryin' to break me? She likes her Chriskmases with all the trimmings. The more, the merrier."

Dejectedly, Popeye slowly trudged topside, walking with his head lowered. Olive Oyl and Swee'Pea were sunning themselves on the deck near the bow. Popeye quickly scanned the area around them for any heavy objects or sharp instruments. Seeing none, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Might as well gets this over with," he thought. "I hopes me insuransk is paid up!"

Suddenly, he noticed that Swee'Pea was looking over the side, pointing to the water and oohing and aahing. Popeye joined his adopted son at the rail and saw what had captured the lad's attention. They were sailing near an island that was surrounded by a coral reef. Its gorgeous colors fairly jumped up out of the water at them.

Popeye shouted, "That gives me an idea! I've gots to corral some coral. Ak! Ak! Ak! Ak! Ah!" He laughed and jumped into the water. Kicking his powerful legs, he swam out ahead of the ship. Treading water, he suddenly began to spin around in place, creating a whirlpool that drew lots of algae and seaweed to him. He then dove under the surface, drawing the green plants along in his wake. He quickly draped and stuffed the greenery around some of the prettiest coral. Then he swam back and climbed aboard.

When the ship arrived at the spot, Swee'Pea let out a particularly delighted squeal.

Olive looked over the railing. "Either that child's spotted something or it's time for another diaper change." But then she gasped, "Look, Popeye, it's absolutely beautiful!"

"Yeah, Olive, it kind of looks like a Chriskmas tree, don't ya thinks?"

"Oh, but Popeye, no Christmas tree ever had such exquisite ornaments!"

"Ya can'ts improve on the Creator's handiwork, Olive. At least that's what I tell myself every time I looks in the mirror."

Olive ignored him. "Let's drop anchor and just look for awhile."

"Okay, but speaking of Chriskmas, Olive..."

"Hush, Popeye! Just look!"

He was more than happy to. That evening, as they sailed along topside, Popeye tried to bring up the subject again.

"Ya knows, Olive, it's almost Chriskmas and..."

"I can hardly wait until we make land and see all the lights sparkling and twinkling on everyone's homes and in all the windows. It just wouldn't be Christmas without them."

"I was afraids of that, " Popeye muttered. But just then, Swee'Pea began tugging on the sailor's shirt and on Olive's dress. When they looked down on him, Swee'Pea pointed straight up.

Far away as they were from any lights of civilization, on that cloudless night, countless stars were gloriously sprayed across the heavens.

"Oooh, Popeye," Olive sighed contentedly, "there are our Christmas lights. And looking up at the sky reminds me of the Christmas story."

"Yeah, Olive. Swee'Pea certainly is a Wise Man for pointing out the stars to us. Ak! Ak! Ak! Ak! Ah!"

The next day, Olive said, "It's almost Christmas Eve, Popeye. Are we about to land soon?"

"Er...ah...almost Chriskmas eve, huh? Th...that reminds me. I...uh...wanted to gives you yer present early this year."

"Goody! Goody! Goody! I can't wait!"

"Well, I'll goes below and fetch it."

In the hold again, Popeye desperately looked around. He had bought himself a few minutes of time, but he actually didn't know what he was giving his sweetie. His eyes fell on the treasure chest which had been the object of their quest to begin with. Gulping, he hoisted it up onto his shoulders and ascended.

Once on deck, Popeye opened the chest and dumped out its contents at Olive's feet. Jewels, gold coins, and fancy silver dishes glistened in the sun. Popeye tossed the chest aside.

"There's your present, Olive. I wants to give you all the treasure we found."

"But, Popeye, this was all going to the Sweethaven orphanage!"

"Not any more. It's yours because I loves you."

Giggling, Olive began to throw the baubles and beads up in the air. But then, she noticed Eugene out of the corner of her eye. The Jeep had a strange expression on his face.

"Eugene," she asked slowly, "if the orphanage doesn't get the money from this treasure, will it be able to keep running next year?"

If an animal could be said to solemnly not move, that's what Eugene did. The answer was, "No!"

Olive shook her head. "Popeye I can't accept this gift. Give it to the orphans, instead."

"But then I don't have no present for you."

"Oh, Popeye, the fact that you wanted to give me such a treasure is present enough!" She threw her arms around him and began covering his face with kisses.

"Waits a minute!" Popeye was confused. "Ya means I don't have to gets you a great gift, just want to, and you'll be happy?"

"Yes, Popeye! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"Good. I'll save lots of money then on your next birthday."

She poked him in the ribs and kept on gushing. "Besides, Popeye, giving up that treasure to save the orphans makes me feel better than getting any gift has ever made me feel. I feel better now than I did when the sheik gave me an oil well, or when Pierre gave me a fur coat, or when the Count..."

"Okay, okay, " Popeye grumbled, "you mades your point."

"And look! Swee'Pea's got a present, too!"

Now as any parent of a toddler can tell you, kids are often more interested in the box a toy came in than they are in the toy itself. Sure enough, Swee'Pea had crawled into the open treasure chest and was pantomiming steering a car. Then he pretended to be firing a laser cannon.

The chest was now a space craft. Then he put his hands up to his right eye as if he was holding a telescope. The chest was now his ship.

Popeye and Olive laughed.

Popeye cleared his throat, "About Chriskmas, Olive, we ain't gonna make it back in time."

Olive laughed again. "Men are so silly! Popeye, don't you see that we've already had Christmas? And it was the best one ever!"

And may you, Gentle Reader, have your best one ever, too! And many more!

A hapless man who looked very much like Wimpy came flying out of the diner, landing in a heap on the sidewalk.

"And stay out, you welcher!" Rough-House yelled from the doorway.

The man slowly picked himself up, dusted himself off, and snorted, "That's 'Watcher'. My name is J. Wellington Watcher." But Rough-House had already gone back inside.

The man exhaled. "No supper tonight. I'm afraid that this is an evil omen to be sure. It portends ill for the residents of Sweethaven. Perhaps this is the dreaded Night Of Those Who Don't Know Enough To Stay Dead which was predicted in prophecy."

He looked up at the full October moon. Suddenly, there was a chill in the air. He realized that it was because his pants had fallen down when he was booted out of the diner. He pulled them up with great dignity. He glanced up at the moon again. He could see the silhouette of the wicked Sea Hag flying across it, riding on her....HANG GLIDER?

"What happened to your vulture?" he called up to her.

"This is cheaper, more hip, and the animal rights activists won't get on my case," she cackled as she flew off.

"The Hag's appearance proves it," he muttered to himself as he hurried down the street. "We are all doomed unless I can get to The Chosen One in time."

He ran up to Olive Oyl's door, rang the bell, and was admitted in. Olive and Popeye stared at him as he blurted out his incredible tale.

"I am The Watcher. I have been sent to alert the one person out of all who live on our earth that can stand up to the hoard of vampires, rising from their graves tonight in an attempt to destroy us all. You must fulfil your destiny!"

Olive squealed excitedly, "Oh, I will!! I will!! I always knew I was somebody special!! Now the fate of the world is in my hands!!" 

"But, Miss Oyl..." the watcher began.

"I've got to get down to the cemetery right away!!" Olive ran out the door as if she was jet propelled. "After all, humanity needs little old me!!"

"Miss Oyl, wait!!" The Watcher vainly called after her. He turned to Popeye, "Come, Sir, we must hie ourselves to the place of the uprising." 

"Shouldn't we oughta takes some stakes or somethin' alongs?" the sailor asked.

"Do you have any steaks? That would be delightful. I'm famished." The Watcher patted his stomach.

"Forgets it," Popeye sighed and hastened out the door.

"I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today!" The Watcher yelled to the rapidly fading figure.

Meanwhile, Olive had made it to the cemetery.

"Oooo, this is a creepy place. Especially when I walk past these headstones that our still-living friends already paid for." There was one marked, "Poopdeck Pappy". It read, "I ain't here! I keeps tellin' ya that I ain't ever a-goin'!" Another was marked, "George W. Geezil." It read, "At last I'm free of that no good for something, Wimpy. Where I'm going, they won't let bums like him in!!"

Olive didn't notice a sinister figure rising up out of the ground behind her. It encircled its arms around her waist and began breathing heavily on her neck.

"Bluto, is that you again? You're incorrigible!! I don't have time for this now. I've got to save the world from...." she turned and saw what it was, "....VAMPIRES!!!" She twisted out of the figure's grasp.

"St...Stay away!" Olive gasped. "I'm warning you!! I'm The Chosen One and any second now my superpowers are going to kick in."

The vampire sneered. "Superpowers to do what?"

"Well, for one thing....scream!! HELP, POPEYE, HELP!! This guy REALLY wants to neck with me, if you know what I mean!!"

Suddenly, dozens of vampires began rising up and chasing a fleeing Olive.   Popeye, arriving on the scene, knew what to do.

"This'll be our first line of 'de fence'," he chuckled as he pulled the picket fence surrounding the cemetery out of the ground. "Now to re-enacts Picket's Charge!" He ran at the hoard of undead villains, impaling dozens of them at once on the sharp fence posts, instantly turning them all to dust.

"Popeye, look out!" Olive shouted as another group of vampires suddenly transformed themselves into wolves. Popeye picked up a nearby shovel and quick as a flash, instantly had a deep pit dug. He then rushed to the street and ripped up a fire hydrant. Rushing back , he planted the hydrant on the far side of the pit and whistled for the wolves. When they saw the hydrant, they went running eagerly toward it, falling headlong into the pit.

A last group of the monsters had morphed into bats. They began dive-bombing the sailor. He valiantly tried to swat them away.

"Strike One!! Strike Two!!" The Watcher yelled.

"That's all I can stands, cause I can't stands no more!" Popeye whipped out a can of spinach and downed its contents in one gulp.

"Remember," The Watcher coached, "they are afraid of crosses!"

"Right crosses or left crosses? Doesn't matter, I uses both!" Popeye waded into the swarm of bats, swinging his mighty fists, delivering knock-out blows to the creatures.

"Oh well," The Watcher sighed, "whatever works."

Soon all foes were vanquished. "So much for my turn at bat. Arf! Arf! Arf!" Popeye laughed. But Olive started crying.

"What's the matter, Sweetie?" Popeye asked. "We won!!"

"You mean you won!! I was useless. Some Chosen One!! I didn't do anything!!"

"But, Miss Oyl," The Watcher explained, "I never said YOU were The Chosen One."

"You mean..."

"Yes, I was referring to your boyfriend!"

Suddenly Olive's face turned red. "Why you miserable..." she began to advance on The Watcher. Her muscles began to swell and bulge. The Watcher ducked behind a tree. She ripped it out of the ground. The Watcher headed for the hills with Olive in hot, angry pursuit.

"Come back, here, you male chauvinist, you!!" she shrieked. "I'm the special one!! Me! Me! Me!"

"NOW she gets superpowers," The Watcher moaned helplessly.

     Sweethaven was abuzz with the news!  Two FBI agents were in town looking for Popeye!  They finally found him in Rough House's diner, sitting next to Bluto and eating lunch at the counter.

     The red-haired, distaff member of the duo spoke first, while flashing her badge.  "Mr. Popeye?  This is Agent Mudder and I'm Agent Silly."

   "I don't know, Babe," Bluto leered, "you look pretty normal to me!  In fact, you look outstanding!"

     "Mr. Popeye," Agent Mudder broke in, "we understand that you are a multiple abductee."

     "That's ridiculous!  I ain't never owned one of them abs machines in me life!  I stays in such good shape by sparring with this big Palooka here."

     "No, no Mr. Popeye.  I mean that you have been kidnapped by aliens on more than one occasion."

     "Well, why didn't ya say so in the firsts place, Matey?  Yeah, I got nabbed, but I gave them intergalactic goofs what for with me spinach."

     [NOTE TO THE READER: Popeye is referring to the events recorded in two cartoons by Famous Studios and KFS, respectively, both entitled, "Popeye The Ace Of Space."]

     "See, Agent Silly," Agent Mudder said smugly, "spinach is green and green is the color of the earth, so the mystical life force of our planet, what some would call, 'Mother Earth,' repelled the invasions.  Many primitive cultures speak of things like this.  It's only we who are'  enlightened' and have cut ourselves off from..."

     "Nonsense, Mudder," Silly sighed.  "There's a more logical explanation.  Alien physiology is probably not compatible with our native plant life.  In short, they had an allergic reaction to spinach.  Or maybe the abductions never happened at all.  Mr. Popeye overdosed on vegetables and hallucinated."

     "Yer both wrong!" Popeye roared.  "What happind was that I'm strong to the finich 'cause I eats me spinach."

     Bluto sidled up next to Silly and put his arms around her shoulders.  "Hey, Beautiful, did you know that I was once abducted, too?"

     "Oh, really."  Silly was skeptical.

     "Yeah....think about this for a minute.  I first appeared in the Segar comic strips way back when.  Then I vanished and wasn't seen again in the newspapers or comic books until decades later when Bobby London took over.  Now, where was I all that time if not abducted by aliens?  And why was a mutated clone of me calling itself, 'Brutus', walking around, huh?  I'll tell you all about it over dinner on the beach."

     "I don't think so."  Silly broke free.  "There's a perfectly logical explanation for what happened to you.  Suppose the  newspaper syndicate didn't know who owned the copyright to use you?  Besides, my heart belongs to my partner, but don't tell him.  We're not scheduled to reveal our feelings for several TV seasons yet."

     Bluto glanced at Mudder.  "That geek?!?!?!"

     "What can I tell you.  Geekiness is in."

     Bluto thought about his bodybuilder's physique and ladykiller ways and slowly walked away with his head hung down, cursing his fate.

     "Mr. Popeye," Agent Mudder was saying, "we need you to come with us to the desert.  There's a military base there where one doesn't officially exist.  People are spotting strange objects in the sky, flying in and out of the installation.  We want you to tell us if those UFOs are similar to the ones that abducted you."

     "Mudder, Silly sighed, "it's a desert.  Can you say, 'Mirage?'  You're missing the perfectly logical solution in favor of..."

     "We think," Mudder went on, "that renegades in our government who care only about their own pleasures and advancements..."

     Popeye broke in.  "Blow me down!  I thought Bill Clinton was out of office!"

     "...are selling our planet out to alien forces.  But we need proof.  Plus, I believe that my sister, who was abducted, may be imprisoned there and subjected to unspeakable experiments."

     "Like what?"

     "Oh, you know, fingernails scraping across a chalk board, being forced to watch episodes of Hanna-Barbera's 'Popeye And Son,' stuff like that."

     "That's inhumane!  Let's go bust them swabs in the mush and rescue yer sister!"

     And so, a few nights later the agents and The Sailorman could be found perched atop a mesa looking down on a fenced-in airfield and hangars surrounded by signs which each read, "Top Secret!  Keep out!  In fact, don't even look any longer at this notice!  Just scram!  What?  Are you still here?  Buzz off!  Trespassers will be very, very, very, extremely sorry!"

     Minutes turned into hours as the night wore on, but no strange craft was spotted in the sky.

     "I must say, Popeye, you're being very patient.  Waiting is always the hardest part of a stakeout," Silly said.

     "I gots plenty of payshins at all times, 'cept when I runs out.  And I'm used ta waitin'.  I keeps waitin' for Olive Oyl ta decide between me and other guys, for Wimpy to pay me back for alla them meals, for Pappy ta acts his age, for..."

     "Wait, Popeye!"  Mudder gasped.

     "Yep, that's what I'm good at.  I was just sayin'..."

     "No, I mean, 'Stop talking, Popeye!'  Look up instead!"

     The astonished Sailor gazed upwards and saw scores of blinking lights that seemed to be on crafts of indiscernible shapes and sizes darting this way and that across the star-filled sky.  Mudder began clicking away with a camera while Silly muttered,   "There's a logical explanation for this.  Namely, that we've all gone crazy."

     Mudder,  tracking one particular set of lights, disappeared behind a boulder.  When he reappeared, he had a strange, malevolent look on his face and he was now carrying two ropes. Quick as a flash, he lassoed both Silly and Popeye!

     "Truss no one, Agent Mudder," Popeye said menacingly.  He burned through the rope binding him using his pipe.

     Suddenly, a second Mudder ran out from behind the boulder shouting, "That's not me!  That's a shape-shifter!"

     "If he can change his shapes, why did he choose ta change inta you?  Why not a giant ape or somethin'?"

     The shape-shifter smiled.  "Good idea," it said.  And it started growing and growing, becoming more muscular, animalistic, and hairy.

     "Me and my big mouth," Popeye muttered.  Then he rose up to his full, short height and said, "Big deal!  I can changes shapes, too."  Hurrying over to the boulder, he lifted it up and hurled it up into the sky.  It came crashing down on top of the shape-shifter, squashing it.  "See, I changed ya inta the shape of a pancake.  Arf!  Arf!  Arf!"

     "Good work, Popeye!" Silly shouted.

     "But they know we're here.  And look down there!"  Mudder pointed to an open gate in the fence where scores of armed men were pouring out and running toward the mesa.

     "Suits me just fine!" Popeye roared and whipped out his spinach can.  "I ain't had me no impossibull life-and-death struggle fer at least a week.  I'm gettin' rusty."  He gulped down the green stuff and charged down the embankment.

     Mudder and Silly just stood there in shock.  That is, they stood there until a giant vulture with landing lights on its wingtips swooped down out of the sky and snatched them up in its claws.  As they ascended, they could discern that indeed all of the strange UFOs were, in fact, vultures with landing lights on.  In their enormous claws, the birds were carrying machine parts and electrical components.  The vulture bearing the FBI agents joined an aerial procession that was circling one of the hangers.  One by one, the birds in formation glided down to land inside the hangar's open doors.  As the vulture released it's grip, Mudder and Silly saw a saucer-shaped vehicle in the center of the hangar.  Surrounding it were monsters, ogres, and beings of indeterminate species receiving the parts from the vultures and carrying them into the grounded UFO.  From within, sounds of banging and welding could be heard.  The creatures seemed to be deferring to an ugly old woman who turned to Mudder and Silly with a cackle.

     "Take a good look, My Curious Cuties.  It's the last thing you'll ever see!"

     "Silly," Mudder gasped, "that's the Sea Hag!"

     "The what?"

     "The Sea Hag, a witch thought to be merely a legend, though there have been whispered rumors that she was real down through the centuries."

     "Mudder, why must every elderly, aesthetically challenged, sour tempered woman be automatically labeled a witch?"

     "Maybe because I can conjure up the denizens of dozens of dark dimensions to do my bidding and build my space ship while commanding an airforce of giant vultures that combs the world to find the parts I need," the Sea Hag said with an evil gleam in her eyes.

     "Mudder, I maintain that there's a perfectly rational response even to this."

     "What is it?"

     "HELP, POPEYE!" Silly screamed at the top of her lungs.

     One side of the hangar buckled inward and then blew apart as Popeye smashed his way through.

     "You rang?" Popeye then spotted his long-time foe.  "The Sea Hag!  And it looks like she wants ta be a flyin' sorcerer to takes over the world!"

     "Don't be ridiculous, Sailor Boy," the Hag sniffed, "why would I want THIS world?  It's polluted, it has lima beans, it makes Britney Spears a cultural icon, and have you seen what's on network TV lately?  No, no, no!  I'm not going to use my spaceship to take over THIS world.  Instead, I'll fly to some OTHER world and conquer IT!"

     "Popeye," Mudder frantically explained, "that glowing doorway over on her right must be her dimensional portal.  If you could just knock her through it..."

    "I never hits a womming."  Popeye grabbed a vulture by the neck.  "Instead, I belts a bird and lets him hit the womming."  So saying, he socked the vulture across the room.  The flea-bitten bird smashed into the Sea Hag and sent her sailing into the portal.

     Instantly, sparks flew out of it and strange noises like static could be heard.  Suddenly, the portal vanished and with it all of the alien beings.  The vultures scattered in panic. 

     "It's as I figured, Mudder said.  "The Sea Hag was the power source for the portal.  Knocking her into it caused a feedback loop which overloaded it..."

     "And caused a short circus!" Popeye finished brightly.

     "Well, er, yes, a short circuit.  But how did you know?"

     "Just looks down there."  Popeye pointed to the floor where The Sea Hag, now shrunk to the size of a mouse, was scurrying away.

     "You just wait you big bully!"  Her squeak was barely audible.  "Wait until my powers return!"

     "Arf! Arf! Arf!  Well, that's the ends of that.  We solved the myskery of UFOs and everythin'!"

     "But we still didn't find my sister," Mudder sighed dejectedly.

     "Say, I knows a little swab who is real good at findin' things.  He helped me find my lorst Pappy onest.  I'll call him and we'll takes the flyin' saucer out fer a spin right to your sister.  Hey, Eugene!"

     The little animal popped up out of thin air right in front of them.

     "I suppose there's a rational explanation for this, Silly?  Mudder asked.

     "Of course, Mudder.  It's a Jeep, a fourth-dimensional animal with magical powers that eats orchids.  Everyone knows that!"

     And soon, our adventures were skimming across the sky heading toward a typical suburban home.  The UFO landed on its lawn and Mudder jumped out and raced to the door and rang the bell.

     A young woman answered it, saw Agent Mudder and said distastefully, "Oh, it's you."

     "Samantha!  What happened?  Where have you been all these years?"

     "I waited until you went to the store and then I moved away and changed my name so you couldn't find me."

     "But why?"

     "You always creeped me out with all your talk about aliens.  I couldn't stand it anymore!"  Samantha caught sight of the space craft and saw Popeye and Eugene standing beside it.  "They're here!" she shrieked.  "The aliens have landed!"

     "Boy," Popeye exclaimed, "ya meets the strangest people in this job!"

     "Tell me about it," said Silly.